So your boyfriend dumped you. He gave you some lame reason that doesn’t really make much sense. You want him back, but you want him to grovel and beg and realize the huge mistake he made by leaving. You want to see him squirm and want him to perform some grand gesture to win you back.
The only problem is, he’s not doing any of that.
In fact, he’s acting kind of aloof. It’s almost as if he doesn’t care…at all.
He’s acting completely opposite of how you want him to act. Sure, he might eventually realize he made a mistake. He might date someone else only to realize you were the best thing to ever happen to him. He might one day feel the remorse you want him to feel, but right now, you’re getting none of that. (Hint: Use this to turn the tables and get him desperately craving you again).
Why not? Why isn’t he begging you to take him back?
There are two main reasons. We’ll call them pride and confirmation bias.
First, let’s talk about pride. When it comes to breakups, no one wants to lose face, eat crow, and admit they were wrong about leaving. A man’s ego simply won’t let him do that directly 99% of the time.
So you’re not likely to get some grand gesture like you see in the movies where he comes over to your apartment, stands outside your window, plays the most beautiful love song you’ve ever heard on his guitar, and desperately begs you to take him back.
Deep down that might be what you’re hoping for. In some way, you probably want to “punish” him for dumping and hurting you. But expecting those things to happen isn’t going to get him to come back to you.
As relationship author Elizabeth Stone says, “Drop the fantasy about what MIGHT happen between the two of you and embrace the reality that when/if they return, it’s more likely to sound like a whimper than a roar, even if they SHOULD apologize because they smashed your heart like a piñata at a 7 year old’s birthday party.”
Next, let’s talk about confirmation bias. Basically confirmation bias means once you believe something is true, you’ll look around to find more evidence that confirms you are right.
For example, if you suspect your boyfriend is cheating on you and he comes home late from work, you might use that as another sign he’s messing around behind your back. In reality, he probably just had to work late, but your mind is biased toward confirming what you believe to be true.
In terms of a breakup, the person who did the dumping (in this case, your boyfriend) will look for reasons to confirm he made the right decision. So if you act nasty toward him or if he tries to apologize and you slam the door in his face because his gesture wasn’t grand enough, then it only confirms leaving you was the right decision.
You have to be really careful in this regard if you want your ex back. If you want him to change his mind and come back to you, then you can’t continue to do and say things that only reinforce his decision to leave you.